Sliding Down the Chart

I feel myself slipping down the Maslow pyramid from self actualization right on down the chart to physiological needs. When I first entered my “career transition”, btw this is a bullshit term for being laid off, I have bounced up and down the chart. I first landed on safety needs because when I was given notice it made me feel incredibility unsafe. I came home and for weeks I sat in front of my computer frantically looking for another job. I was in a total state of panic ...how am I going to live, pay my mortgage, pay bills, eat, put gas in my car, afford COBRA ... I need to find a job! I felt very unsafe and as if I was falling without a net. The net I am suppose to have has been attacked several times with economic hiccups and my little nest egg has gotten cracked and fried.

The next landing was social needs. It is very difficult to not have the money to socialize with family and friends. I never lived an extravagant lifestyle but I did go out to dinner with several different groups of friends on a regular basis. I also attended professional chapter meetings, professional development seminars and continuing education classes. I have friends and family that live out of state and would travel to see them. I have had to give all this up and more. I feel isolated and disengaged from what is going on in the world. It is like I live in my own personal third world. I should take that back because as I set here whining in my pity pot there are those who are much worse off then me. I think I am back to feeling unsafe.

I am trying to stay off the self esteem rung but I am slipping in that direction. My confidence has been shattered as I continue to be socially and professionally isolated. Just a quick digression: After a 12 hiatus of being a stay at home mom I re-entered the work place. I first left in 1980 and re-enter in 1992 and it was like I had been gone for 30 years. Everything was different and there was something new…the computer. I almost stopped breathing when I learned that I had to go into the computer in order to be paid. I swore that I would never allow myself to be that far behind ever again. Even though it has only been 16 months since I last worked I am feeling like I could find myself 30 years behind again. Technology, trends, business models, corporate cultures, and things I don’t know about are racing forward at incredible speeds. Even when I worked I felted a little challenged to keep up with the pace. In these last 16 months I have done all the things you are suppose to do to land that next job. It took me almost a year to realize that what I did, IT Project Management Office, has greatly diminished if not become extinct. The direction IT is evolving to it beyond my scope. It is exciting with social media and cloud technologies but this would require me to re-tool. Well, I have already done this and graduated in 2003 with a degree in IT for the technologies at that point in time and btw, I am still paying off that student loan.

To keep my sanity and social outlet I have been working at a retail store. This has been a very humbling experience to say the least. It took me a while to come down off my corporate high horse and get into the real world. My first paycheck was a reality check as what I made in one day use to be my hourly rate. I know that I will never be back to where I was but surely there is an up from here. The longer this takes the less confidence I am having. So, I keep telling myself

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me! ...and I will keep on trying.